I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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