Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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