you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
