Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
