Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
