i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
