Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
