I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
