Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
