I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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