I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
