Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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