I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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