Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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