Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
