Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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