isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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