So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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