he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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