can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
