My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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