My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
