I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
