Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
