We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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