There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
