omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
