Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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