I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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