At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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