I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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