guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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