I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
