I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
