My underwear smells like fireworks.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
