i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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