my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You're breaking my sexual little heart
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
