So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
