I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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