dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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