i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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