so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
