peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
