"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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