I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
There was a lot of him and a little penis
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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