oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
