Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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