That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
