Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
