You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
