Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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