i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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