tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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