guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
