I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
