Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
