I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
